When a friend or family member has been diagnosed with cancer, it’s hard to know what to do or say. In Best ways to support someone with cancer, I shared ideas on how to offer your support. Today, I continue my Breast Cancer Awareness Month series with 12 things you should never say to someone with cancer.  

When I was going through treatment, I was very open about my experience and how I was doing. Even so, I was pretty taken aback by some of the things people asked or said to me. Some of these questions and comments may seem harmless but, from the perspective of someone dealing with the emotional turmoil of a cancer diagnosis and treatment, even the most innocent of comments can ignite an emotional reaction.

12 things you should never say to someone with cancer

You might think some of these are obvious, but I heard every single one of these things in the weeks and months following my cancer diagnosis. If you’ve ever said some of these things, don’t feel bad. I have too. I’m sure you had the best of intentions. Just make a mental note and try to think of something else to say.

Nothing

It is hard to know what to say, but the worst thing you can do is disappear. Just being there, listening and enjoying a cup of tea or an outdoor walk if they’re up to it, will be a big help.

“You’re going to be just fine. I know it.”

I heard this so many times in the early days after my diagnosis. Every time I heard it, I wanted to scream. It was meant to be reassuring. To me, it just felt patronizing. The truth is, at that point, even my doctors didn’t know I was going to be just fine.

A better option is to simply say you will pray (or hope if they’re not religious) for a good outcome.

“Do they know what caused it?”

People who ask this generally are trying to make themselves feel better. The underlying suggestion is the person must have some sort of genetic defect, or an unhealthy lifestyle, that caused their cancer.

Like me, many people diagnosed with cancer have no known risk factors or family history. The answer to that question is usually no, so don’t ask.

“A positive attitude will cure your cancer.”

And what if it doesn’t? Should the person with cancer feel guilty because they weren’t positive enough? If they had just smiled more or suppressed their negative thoughts, would they have had a different outcome? Terry Fox is one of the most amazing examples of someone with a positive attitude in the face of cancer. But, it didn’t cure his cancer.

A positive attitude can help them deal with the turmoil of a cancer diagnosis, and it may help them feel better during treatments, but it will not cure cancer.

“I heard someone who was cured by <insert alternative therapy name>”

Following my diagnosis, I heard about people being miraculously cured of their cancer by bee sting therapy, eating copious amounts of broccoli, and all sorts of other questionable therapies.

Holistic and complementary therapies are helpful for some people but there is little (or, in many cases, no) science behind many of them. Unless you know the person will welcome the information, it’s best to keep it to yourself.

“Are you completely bald? Can I see you without your wig? You might not lose your hair.”

In the guest post I wrote for Smelly Socks and Garden Peas’ “Lessons In Loss” series, I wrote about the experience of losing my hair during chemotherapy. For many cancer patients, especially women, this is one of the most difficult things about the treatment.

Yes, I was pretty much completely bald. The only people who saw me without a head covering were the people who lived in my house. I wasn’t about to put my bald head on display for anyone else.

Similarly, you might think you’re being reassuring by telling someone facing chemotherapy that they may not lose their hair, but it actually has the opposite effect. There are some chemotherapy drugs where hair loss is not one of the side effects, but that is not the norm. Doctors know the side effects of the various drugs. If the doctors have told your friend they’ll lose their hair, it’s better to help them deal with the emotions around that than try to give false hope.  

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“The cure is worse than the disease. Chemo is poison.”

Chemotherapy isn’t a walk in the park, but medical science has come a long way with managing the side effects of various chemotherapy drugs.

Everyone is different. For some people, chemotherapy is very difficult. I was lucky, I had only very mild side effects. Keep in mind that chemotherapy does cure many cancers, so telling horror stories is never helpful.

“I had a friend who died of cancer.”

We all know someone who died of cancer. On the other hand, we may know someone who was cured. There is NEVER a good reason to talk to your friend who’s battling cancer about someone you knew who died of cancer. They already know people die of cancer, and they don’t need to be reminded of it.

“There are worse cancers you could have.”

It’s true that some cancers are more treatable and have a higher cure rate than others. Nevertheless, to the person dealing with the emotions of a cancer diagnosis, cancer is evil. There is no “good” kind of cancer.

“What’s your prognosis?”

By asking this, you’re really trying to reassure yourself. The reality is, your friend may not yet know the prognosis. If they do know, remember that it’s based on statistics. Your friend is not a statistic. They’re a real person. If they volunteer the information, great, but don’t ask.

“You should rest.”

The days of wallowing in bed for months during cancer treatment are in the past. In fact, there is research that shows that staying active helps keep energy levels up and alleviates the side effects of chemo.

I went to the gym during my treatments as part of a research study at the University of Waterloo. It was a lifeline for me. In fact, I often joke that I was in the best shape of my life during treatment thanks to this Well-Fit program.

That said, there were days when I just wanted to sleep. Instead of encouraging your friend to rest, tell them to do whatever they feel like doing. If you’re making plans, don’t assume they won’t want to join you. Invite them, but understand if they’re not up to it. 

“Treatment is done. Now you can put it all behind you.”

If only it were that easy! I don’t think someone who has been diagnosed with cancer can ever “put it all behind them”. I am ten years post-diagnosis, and I still think about cancer every day. Every ache and pain is a cause for concern.

Finishing treatment is something to celebrate and it does signal a return to some sort of more normal life. So, by all means find a way to celebrate this milestone. Just avoid suggesting that everything will magically go back to exactly as it was before.

I could add more examples, but I think you get the point. Your friend or family member may openly talk about some of these things. If they do, that’s great. My best advice is to take your cues from them and avoid asking direct questions, or wading into difficult topics.

Are there other things you’d add to this list? Tell me your thoughts below.