When you’re at a social gathering and you meet someone new, the first question they will usually ask is “What do you do?” Today’s post considers why who you are is more important than what you do for a living. Read on to learn the the dangers of letting our jobs define us and 7 essential elements of a well-rounded life. Plus, some ideas on conversation starters you can try at your next party or gathering.
This post was originally published in August 2020 and updated in May 2023.
Why is career the measure of success?
Too often in our culture, we define ourselves by our jobs. But work is just one dimension of a person. Depending on who’s asking, starting a conversation with this question could put someone on the defensive.
In my post Reflections on 30 years in the group retirement business, I gave six tips for success in work and in life. One of those tips was: Work is important but other things in life matter more.
This may be a controversial view in a culture where we define success by how much money we make, how big a house we have, or the kind of car we drive.
Don’t get me wrong, I understand we need to work to pay the bills. I’m lucky to have a job that is fulfilling, challenging and rewarding. But work is just one dimension of my life and it’s not the one that I want to be remembered for 100 years from now.
I can’t tell you how many times I have heard people respond to the question “What do you do?” with “Oh, I am just a stay-at-home parent” or “I only work part time in a store”. I’ve heard this from people who have raised children who are good people and successful adults, or who make a difference in their community by volunteering their time and talents to organizations and events. In my mind, these people are just as successful as any highly-paid business executive.
The problem with letting your job define you
The biggest downside of letting your job define your identity is your job can change, or be gone, at any moment. If work is your life, and you suddenly find you no longer have the job you invested your life in, it could be devastating.
Even if you love your job, one day you’ll be ready to move on or you may find that you are no longer able to work for health reasons. Maybe you’ll want to retire or semi-retire. Not having other interests to keep you occupied when that day comes could lead to boredom. Studies have shown that boredom can be detrimental to your mental health and can even shorten your life. (Source: Psychology Today)
In her book The Top Five Regrets of the Dying, Australian Palliative Care nurse Bronnie Ware says the number two regret is “I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.” Every male patient she nursed said they regretted missing out on their kids’ childhood because of living on the work treadmill. Pretty powerful insights!
As women have entered the workforce, they are expressing similar regrets. At retirement parties for long-time co-workers, I’ve heard many successful women say they had often put work before their families during their careers.
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7 essential elements of a well-rounded life
Don’t arrive at the end of your life or career with regrets. Take some time now to define what matters to you and why, then carve out time to make it happen.
For me, there are seven essential elements of a well-rounded life, in addition to work.
Family
Family will always be number one. When my daughters were born, I made a conscious choice. Acknowledging that I needed to work for a living, I decided I wouldn’t make career decisions that would involve a lot of travel or excessive hours.
If you feel like you can’t slow down at work, remember one thing. If you were no longer around, your employer would easily replace you. Your family wouldn’t.
Physical and mental health
We tend to take our health for granted until we don’t have it any more. Twelve years ago, I was diagnosed with cancer. Sadly, it took that diagnosis to make me realize that I was stressing about things that really don’t matter.
You only have one life. Look after yourself. Make time to sleep, exercise and eat well. Manage your stress.
Hobbies and interests
I love talking to people about their hobbies. It can be really surprising to hear how they spend their spare time. These interests make us happier, more balanced, people. And, when the day comes that we’re no longer working, they give us something to do to stay active and engaged.
Don’t be afraid to give something new a try. Take time to explore different things you’re interested in. If your kids are small and it’s hard to get out of the house, find a hobby you can do at home like writing or crafts.
Social connections
In addition to strong family relationships, it’s important to maintain friendships and social connections. “I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends” is also highlighted as one of the top five regrets in Bronnie Ware’s book.
This is an area that I personally neglected when my kids were growing up. But I’ve still got time to make it right.
Find your tribe! Make time to develop new connections and strengthen existing friendships.
Faith
No matter what form it takes, having something to believe in is an excellent way to remain grounded. There’s something to be said for letting go of our problems and trusting in a higher power.
If church isn’t your thing, that’s okay. Take some time daily to reflect and meditate. Talk to other people about their faith and how it has enriched their life.
Values
When work gets out of sync with your values, it causes a lot of unease. Sometimes that’s a sign you need to move on. Read my post Changing Career Direction – Do It Your Way for some ideas on how to make a change.
Take some time to define your personal values. Identify areas of your life that don’t align with those values. Then make a plan to realign.
Giving back to the communities we’re a part of
Giving back is an area that can enrich our lives and help us meet different people and learn new skills. Over the years, I’ve been involved at my church and my daughters’ school. I’ve also volunteered with community organizations and have served on work-related professional associations.
Sadly, our world has become a place where many people don’t think it’s important to get involved or give back. In our local community, we’ve seen several long-standing events end because of a lack of volunteers.
Getting involved in community organizations is a great way to add a sense of purpose to your life. It can also help you learn new skills that can benefit you in your career or open the door to new opportunities. Not sure how to get started? Talk to other people about their volunteer activities or check out https://www.volunteermatch.org.
Better questions to ask
The next time you’re tempted to start a conversation with “What do you do?”, pause and try one of these questions instead. What you learn might surprise you!
- How do you spend your free time?
- Tell me about you.
- What do you like to do when it’s hot/rainy/snowy?
- Are you a morning or evening person?
- What do you wish you had more time to do?
- What would you do with an extra hour every day?
- Where’s your favourite place on earth?
Make time for what matters
You are more than your work. Don’t let it define your life.
Life is busy but we can always make time for things that are important to us. Start with small changes. In his book “The Ripple Effect”, Dr. Greg Wells suggests focusing on being 1% better. He talks about starting with small changes that will eventually lead to bigger change. 1% of our time is 15 minutes a day. I think we can all manage that!
What 1% change do you want to make in the interest of a well-rounded life? Tell us below.
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I love this post. We do tend to define ourselves and others by our work and we forget that families and well-being are just as, in fact, more important than work. 😀
Right! Work pays the bills but it can be all-consuming to the detriment of other important things in life.
Love this. I strive to have a well-rounded life. Good read.
Thank you.
Love your conversation starters! Taking time for my hobbies is definitely something that brings me a lot of joy, but it means a lot to be able to share my small success and laughable failures with friends and family too. 🙂
Thanks Jaya. It’s great to be able to share and laugh at our failures. Those are usually the most entertaining stories.
This really was a great read 💕
Thanks Allison!
Hi Michelle. Well said. So many people become totally absorbed in their jobs to such an extent that they are never, really, ‘off work’. They get in early. They stay late. They work weekends. They deal with emails while they are on holiday. FFS – take a break and focus on your relationships now and then (and all of the other things that you outlined, Michelle). Perhaps I’m the strange one for nor thinking like that but I really don’t see the appeal.
You’re right Richie! It’s healthy to focus on things other than work. I have never been one to check my emails when I’m on vacation. People at work know that, and they don’t expect me to. I have never believed that I am so important that they can’t survive without me for a couple of weeks. Maybe that’s what has helped me maintain balance and find time for other things.
Great article Michelle.I think your ideas are perfect for this Pandemic moment in time. Looking at our lives pre-Pandemic looks a LOT different than today for the majority of people. Corvid-19 stopped us in our tracks, we were ALL literally forced into a real-life time out! I learned years ago my job does not define me, just like my Rheumatoid Arthritis does not define who I am, it is just a part of who I am. Work is 1/4 of who we are, so what are we doing with the remaining 3/4 of our life? I am a Wife, a Parent, a Grandparent, a Sister, a friend, a Reader, a Writer, a Music lover, a Swimmer, a Jesus lover, the list goes on and on. I like to ask, “Nice to meet you Mary. So, what do you do when you’re not at Work?”. So many possibilities.😊
Thanks Lorraine. I enjoy my job but there are so many other things I like to do with my time. There just aren’t enough hours in the day to do it all!
I totally agree with the premise of this. It is very important to have different shades to your life and not let your job define you. I love spending time with my family, travelling, working on my blog, playing a sport and reading and I make sure that I take out time for these activities. Thanks for sharing!
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Thank you! All the things you listed are what really gives us joy in life. I love my job but, in the end, I want more out of life. Thanks for reading and taking the time to comment.
I agree with you. At the end of our lives, none of us want a headstone that reads “Here lies _____. She worked hard.” This is why I am so big into self care. Taking that time to check into myself, to do things I like, to connect to who I really am has expanded my understanding of myself and the world at large. Great post, thanks for sharing.
You’re right Giulia but yet so many people are consumed by their jobs. It’s not healthy.
This is so important to remember! I often find myself having to remind myself to take time out of work for my hobbies/relaxation time but I know I feel so much better when I do.
Thanks Katie. It’s so easy to get into bad habits of working all the time. You’re right that we need to remind ourselves of what’s important and take time for ourselves. Ultimately, we are happier and more productive when we do that.