“You have cancer.” Three simple words. Three powerful words. Words no-one expects or wants to hear. They literally turn your life upside down when you hear them. As I continue this year’s Breast Cancer Awareness Month series, today’s post will talk about how you can support someone with cancer.

This post was originally published in October 2020 and updated in August 2023.

In the days and weeks following my breast cancer diagnosis in 2011, so many people asked, “What can I do to help?” I didn’t really have an answer. To be honest, I didn’t really know what I needed. It all felt like a blur. In many ways, I felt like an outsider watching this happen to someone else. How could this be happening to me? Just a few weeks earlier, life was normal. I was a busy wife and mom, with two young daughters and a full-time job. Suddenly, life had turned into an endless maze of hospital appointments, surgery, treatments, more tests, and more treatments.

Although they might not realize it, someone dealing with a cancer diagnosis needs help on so many fronts. From emotional and spiritual support, to help with day-to-day responsibilities, there are lots of things you can do to lighten the burden.

Best ways to support someone with cancer

When I sat down to write this post, I immediately came up with a long list of ideas. Wanting to make my list as complete as possible, I reached out to my online breast cancer group—an amazing group of ladies from around the world that I met following my diagnosis that I’m still in touch with today. I’ve also included some of their thoughts on how to support someone with cancer.

Don’t disappear

First and foremost, the best thing you can do is be there. I heard so many stories of people whose friends and family members disappeared following their diagnosis. You may be having a hard time dealing with the emotion of your loved one’s diagnosis, but it’s not about you. It’s tough to see a loved one facing cancer. But remember it’s a lot harder for them than it is for you.

A cancer diagnosis can be really isolating. In the words of my friend Sandra, “I felt very alone and just wanted someone to come by and sit with me so I did not feel alone and scared.”

If you don’t feel like you know what to say or do, that’s okay. Just say “I’m here for you.” Send a handwritten card or note to let her know you’re thinking about her. Call or email regularly. Offer to drop by for a visit but understand if she’s not up to it on a given day.

Staying in touch becomes even more important after a few weeks or months. There’s usually a flurry of concern, calls and visits in the first days and weeks, and then people forget and carry on with their lives. I was diagnosed at the end of June just before school let out for the summer. For a couple of months, I had my girls at home to distract me. When I dropped them off on the first day of school in September, I went home and had no idea what to do with myself. That’s when I could have used a visit the most!

Offer help with everyday tasks

Life is busy and complicated at the best of times. Add in medical appointments, and the impact of cancer treatments on your energy level, and even the simplest of daily tasks can be overwhelming. Help with everyday tasks is probably the thing that would be most appreciated. Here are a few things you can help with.

• Meals. Drop off some home-cooked food. If you don’t cook, or don’t know what her family likes to eat, consider a gift card for a meal delivery service.
• Childcare. If she has young children, she’s probably worried about how to juggle school drop off and pickup, and hospital appointments. A friend whose kids were in the same school as my girls offered to look after getting my kids to school on days when I had morning hospital appointments. This made such a huge difference and was one less thing for me to worry about.
• Transportation. I was fortunate that the cancer centre where I had my treatment was only a 20-minute drive from my house. Even so, with kids at home and my husband working full-time, I had to figure out how to get to my chemo appointments. Upon hearing of my diagnosis, a friend from church took charge and told me she’d drive me to and from all my chemo appointments. She didn’t give me the opportunity to say no. I really appreciated that!
• Parking. Hospital parking is expensive, especially for someone having daily radiation treatments. Buy a parking pass for the hospital, or collect your loose change in a piggy bank or tin.
• Housework. When I was undergoing treatment, my Mum came over every Friday and cleaned my house. If you’re not able to physically help, paying for a cleaning service is a good alternative.

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Gifts she might appreciate

If you want to give her a gift, here are a few suggestions.

• A personalized playlist of her favourite music.
• A meditation or relaxation playlist.
• Movies or a subscription to Netflix or another streaming service.
• A movie basket with a DVD, popcorn and candy.
• Books and magazines.
• Gift cards for a bookstore so she can choose her own reading material.
• Plants or flowers.
• A tree or plant for her garden.
• A selection of tea and a cheerful tea mug.
• Reusable water bottle.
• Skin-care lotion.
• A journal for her to write her thoughts.
• A funny card or book or something to make her laugh.
• A blanket to keep her warm during treatments. My friend Mary said, “If weighted blankets had been invented when we were going through chemo, man-o-man I would have loved that!”
• Slippers.
• Warm socks.
• A spa kit with bubble bath, foot cream and other pamper goodies.
• If she’s having chemo, she’ll almost certainly lose her hair. She’d probably appreciate a hand-knit cap to keep her head warm, or some brightly-coloured scarves.

And here are a few more great ideas that some of the ladies from my online cancer support group said made a difference for them:

• Carol said “My sister bought me a charm bracelet when I started chemo and got me a new charm for each chemo. It is very special gift to me—I never take it off.”
• Robyn told me “My daughter did some online research and made me special cups of tea that were supposed to protect my kidneys and liver from the meds. She doesn’t remember what it was though! Whether or not it had any effect, it was the sweetness of the simple gesture that made me feel nurtured.”
• Jennifer said, “My friends made me a Box of Fun. It had a super soft blanket, puzzles, coloring books, etc.”

Spiritual and emotional support

As a Christian, my faith gave me comfort following my diagnosis and during treatment. The support of my church community meant a lot to me. I also received spiritual bouquets, prayer cards, mass offerings and religious gifts from friends and family members.

Although I’m not a big fan of pink-ribbon products, my sister gave me these inspirational cards that I quite appreciated when I needed a pick-me-up.

If your friend or family member is a person of faith, one of the best things you can do is offer to pray for her, or with her.

Just be there

I’ll end this post with the same message I started with, because it’s an important one. The best thing you can do to support someone with cancer is just be there.

Don’t be afraid to involve your loved one in things. If you’re planning a get-together, invite her. She may not be up for it but will appreciate being asked. Don’t be offended if she can’t make it. If she does attend, ask her how she’s doing but don’t be surprised if she doesn’t want to get into details of her treatments. She’ll probably appreciate the opportunity to feel normal and forget about cancer, even for a few hours.

When I reflect on my experience, I was pretty fortunate. I recovered from surgery quickly and tolerated chemo and radiation treatments fairly well. For the most part, I was able to look after my kids and keep life as normal as possible. That said, I appreciated every single offer of help, and every card, gift and kind word. It made such a big difference.

How would you support someone with cancer? Tell us below what you would add to this list.