This week’s Simple Living Sunday theme is listening—a skill that’s in short supply as the pandemic protests and debates rage on and each side accuses the other of ignoring their concerns. Today, we’ll explore why it’s so difficult to put something we’re born with the ability to do into practice. Then, I’ve got three tips to improve your active listening skills.   

I admit it’s not easy to stop and listen when emotions are high. Respectful dialogue is tossed aside as battle lines are drawn, and people take sides to defend their positions. More and more these days, differences of opinion escalate into personal insults and threats of violence. Being right is more important than trying to understand the other side’s point of view.

Let’s all take a deep breath and try to listen to each other. Maybe—just maybe—we can find some common ground.

Listen with your mouth closed and your heart open.

Christine Toda

Three simple pleasures and highlights

Continuing my practice of celebrating the simple things in life, here are three simple pleasures and highlights of the last week. Despite the huge dumping of snow we got at the end of the week, I’m choosing to focus on signs of spring.

• On Sunday, I started my geranium seeds for this summer’s garden. By mid-week, the seeds had germinated.

• Some spring birds made an appearance in our neighbourhood this week. On a lunchtime walk, I saw several robins and cedar waxwings in the trees on our street. We often don’t see robins until March, so I’m taking that as a hopeful sign of an early spring.  
• We’re getting more daylight every day. It’s light now until around 6:30 p.m. I can’t wait until it’s light enough for me to go for a walk after dinner.

This week’s simple living focus: Active listening

If you ask someone who knows me well, they’ll tell you I have pretty strong opinions on a lot of issues. Recognizing that very few things in life are black or white, I do try to educate myself and look at things from different angles before forming an opinion.

How did we get to the point where people put their need to win and be right, ahead of people and relationships? When did we lose the ability to seek common ground, or even accept that there may be merit in opinions that are different than our own?

Maybe it’s because we’re doing too much talking—and yelling—and too little listening.

When you talk, you are only repeating what you already know. But, if you listen you may learn something new.

Dalai Lama

Active listening requires us to put our egos aside, stop talking and open our hearts and minds to learning. If we can find a way to do that, maybe we’ll discover that small thing we agree on that can form the foundation for moving forward. If we can’t, I fear we are doomed.

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Three things to do this week

So how can we improve our active listening skills? Here are some things to try this week.

Look for merit in an opposing viewpoint

Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen.

Winston Churchill

It’s usually pretty easy to find people who agree with us. Most of us tend to associate with people who think like we do.

This week, when someone puts forward a viewpoint you disagree with, make a point of stopping and listening to what they have to say. As you listen, try to find something—no matter how small—you can agree with.

Don’t interrupt

Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.

Stephen R. Covey

I admit this is an area I have trouble with. In my excitement to respond and get my thoughts out there, I have been known to cut people off.

Resist the urge to interrupt and barge in with your own opinions. Instead, take a deep breath and go back to the first point. Keep listening, and try to find something of merit.

Ask open-ended questions—in a non-threatening way

At some point, everyone has to pause to take a breath, or gather their thoughts. When you do get a chance to speak, ask questions to understand better. You may still disagree with the opinion, but don’t resort to attacks and name-calling. Here are some constructive ways to continue the conversation without making the other person feel attacked.  

• Try “But how do you explain…?” instead of “You’re wrong!”
• Say “That doesn’t make sense to me. Can you help me understand?” instead of “That’s dumb!”
• Try “I understand what you said about…, but have you considered…?”

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Listening isn’t a magic cure for the world’s problems. In the end, for the sake of your mental health, you may just have to agree to disagree. In worst case scenarios, you may need to walk away from the debate and make some decisions about who you associate with. But if you try these three tips, you might learn something. At the very least, you’ll understand why that person feels the way they do—even if you don’t agree with them.  

Do you have any tips for active listening? Tell me your ideas below.